Why We Avoid Tough Conversations—And How to Get Better at Them
Most of us dread tough conversations. Whether it’s confronting a friend about hurtful behavior, giving difficult feedback at work, or addressing unresolved tension in a relationship, we often find ways to sidestep or sugarcoat these interactions. But why? And how can we improve?
The Psychology of Avoidance
At the core of our hesitation to engage in difficult conversations is our implicit attitude toward conflict and honesty. Implicit attitudes are subconscious beliefs and feelings that influence our behavior without us realizing it. Research shows that people who subconsciously associate conflict with negative emotions, such as fear or rejection, are less likely to engage in direct conversations about difficult topics.
These implicit biases are shaped by past experiences, cultural norms, and even personality traits. For instance, individuals with high agreeableness, a trait measured in the Big Five Personality Model, often prioritize harmony and avoid conflict at all costs. In contrast, those with high conscientiousness might struggle with difficult conversations because they fear making mistakes or being perceived as unkind.
Common Reasons We Dodge Tough Talks
1. Fear of Rejection or Backlash
We worry that voicing concerns will damage relationships or provoke a defensive reaction. This is especially true in hierarchical settings, such as the workplace, where employees may fear upsetting their boss or colleagues.
2. Discomfort with Emotional Reactions
Many people feel anxious about how others might react. The fear of tears, anger, or disappointment can be enough to make us suppress what needs to be said.
3. Lack of Communication Skills
Most of us were never taught how to navigate difficult discussions effectively. Without proper techniques, it’s easy to stumble into blame, defensiveness, or avoidance.
4. Perceived Futility
Sometimes, we believe the conversation won’t change anything. This can be especially true in long-standing conflicts or when dealing with individuals who have been unreceptive in the past.
5. Implicit Bias Toward Harmony Over Honesty
Many cultures emphasize the importance of maintaining harmony over direct honesty. This conditioning can make it feel inappropriate or even rude to bring up uncomfortable truths.
The Costs of Avoidance
When we sidestep difficult conversations, the issues don’t disappear—they fester. Avoidance can lead to resentment, misunderstandings, and a breakdown in trust. In professional settings, it can result in unresolved tensions that affect team performance. In personal relationships, it can create emotional distance and passive-aggressive behavior.
A study conducted by Openmind, a platform specializing in implicit psychometrics, found that people often misjudge their own willingness to engage in difficult conversations. Explicitly, they believe they are open and direct, but their implicit responses reveal hesitation and avoidance tendencies. This self-awareness gap is crucial because it suggests that we may not even realize the extent to which we are dodging important discussions.
How to Get Better at Tough Conversations
1. Recognize Your Implicit Attitudes
Tools like the Openmind personality assessment can help you understand whether you unconsciously avoid confrontation. Once you recognize these tendencies, you can actively work to reframe your mindset.
2. Prepare, but Don’t Overthink
Rehearsing what you want to say can be helpful, but avoid over-preparing to the point where you psych yourself out. Instead, focus on the key message you want to convey.
3. Use the “I” Statement Approach
Frame your concerns around your own experiences rather than placing blame. For example, instead of saying, "You never listen to me," try, "I feel unheard when I speak, and that’s frustrating for me."
4. Regulate Your Own Emotions
If you enter a tough conversation feeling angry or defensive, it’s likely to escalate. Practice deep breathing or mindfulness techniques beforehand to maintain a calm and focused demeanor.
5. Be Ready to Listen
Conversations should be two-way. Approach discussions with genuine curiosity rather than as a battle to be won. People are more receptive when they feel heard.
6. Embrace Discomfort
Difficult conversations will never feel entirely comfortable, but discomfort is not necessarily a sign that something is wrong. It often signals growth.
7. Follow Up
One conversation won’t fix everything. Check back in to reinforce understanding and ensure progress is being made.
The Role of Implicit Psychometrics
Openmind’s research into implicit and explicit attitudes highlights that self-perception is often skewed. By assessing both conscious and subconscious responses, individuals gain a clearer understanding of their conflict-resolution tendencies. Such insights can be invaluable for leaders, teams, and individuals looking to improve communication and emotional intelligence.
Final Thoughts
Avoiding tough conversations might feel easier in the short term, but in the long run, it leads to bigger problems. By understanding our implicit attitudes, improving our communication skills, and reframing conflict as an opportunity for growth, we can become more effective and confident communicators. If you want to understand your own approach to difficult conversations better, consider exploring platforms like Openmind that reveal the hidden layers of your personality and decision-making process. The more we lean into discomfort, the more we grow—and the better our relationships become.