How to Help Someone Who Demonstrates a Lack of Self-Awareness
Helping someone who lacks self-awareness is a tricky task. The very nature of low self-awareness means they may not recognize their shortcomings, including the possibility that you might be the one who is unaware. Before setting out to "help" someone else, take a hard look at your own biases, assumptions, and blind spots. Otherwise, you might be acting out of frustration or even self-righteousness rather than genuine concern.
The Trap of Self-Deception
It’s easy to spot flaws in others while being blind to our own. Research in psychology has repeatedly shown that people tend to overestimate their own competence, intelligence, and insight. This is called the Dunning-Kruger effect, where people with low ability overestimate their skills while those with high ability underestimate theirs. Ironically, the very act of assuming someone else lacks self-awareness might be a red flag that you are the one lacking it.
Identifying True Lack of Self-Awareness
Someone who lacks self-awareness typically exhibits behaviors such as:
A mismatch between their self-perception and how others see them
Inability to recognize or acknowledge personal weaknesses
Frequently blaming others for their failures or conflicts
Overconfidence in areas where they lack skill or knowledge
Difficulty understanding social cues and emotional feedback
Self-awareness isn’t just about knowing your strengths and weaknesses; it’s about understanding how you impact others. When someone repeatedly fails to recognize how their actions affect those around them, they may need help developing better insight.
The Role of Openmind in Self-Awareness
A structured approach to improving self-awareness is through implicit psychometric assessments, such as those provided by Openmind. Unlike traditional self-assessments, which rely on conscious self-reporting, Openmind measures both explicit (conscious) and implicit (subconscious) attitudes. This dual-layered approach can reveal hidden biases and blind spots that might otherwise go unnoticed. It allows individuals to see discrepancies between how they view themselves and how they actually behave, making it an effective tool for both personal growth and professional development.
How to Help Without Being a Narcissist
Before stepping in to "fix" someone, consider this: Are you genuinely trying to help, or do you just want to be right?The difference is crucial. Narcissistic tendencies often show up when we focus on proving someone wrong rather than guiding them toward insight. Helping someone gain self-awareness should come from a place of patience and care, not superiority. Here are some effective strategies:
1. Lead by Example
People learn more from what they see than from what they are told. If you exhibit self-awareness—admitting when you’re wrong, acknowledging your weaknesses, and actively working on self-improvement—you’ll set a powerful precedent. This approach fosters a culture of reflection without making it feel like an attack.
2. Ask, Don’t Tell
Instead of saying, “You’re wrong about this,” try asking, “How do you think that went?” Encouraging someone to reflect on their behavior fosters self-exploration rather than defensiveness. Thoughtful questions can nudge them toward greater insight.
Examples:
"What do you think worked well in that situation?"
"Did you notice how people reacted when you said that?"
"How would you handle that differently next time?"
3. Use Gentle Mirrors
Sometimes, people need a reflection to see themselves clearly. This doesn’t mean bluntly telling someone they are oblivious, but rather, offering neutral observations.
For example, if someone constantly interrupts conversations, instead of saying “You always interrupt people,” you might say, “I’ve noticed that sometimes when people are speaking, you jump in before they finish. Have you ever noticed that?”This keeps the conversation open rather than accusatory.
4. Provide Feedback Privately and Constructively
If self-awareness is low, public feedback can backfire and make the person defensive. When addressing sensitive topics, do it privately and focus on behavior rather than personality. Instead of “You’re bad at listening,” try “I’ve noticed in meetings that sometimes you focus on getting your point across rather than responding to others' ideas. I wonder if a slight shift in approach could help you engage more effectively?”
5. Help Them See the Bigger Picture
People with low self-awareness often focus narrowly on their own experiences, missing the broader impact of their actions. Encouraging them to step back and consider different perspectives can help.
For example, if a manager doesn’t realize their criticism demotivates employees, you might say, “I know you want to push the team to do better, but I wonder if they sometimes feel discouraged rather than motivated by the feedback style?” This frames the issue as a shared goal rather than a personal flaw.
6. Encourage Self-Reflection Tools
Encouraging the person to engage in self-assessment tools like Openmind can be incredibly useful. These tools can uncover implicit biases and hidden attitudes that influence behavior. Suggesting such tools allows the person to explore their self-awareness in a structured way, reducing the likelihood of resistance.
7. Accept That You Might Be Wrong
The most important part of trying to help someone else gain self-awareness is maintaining humility. You could be misjudging them. You could be imposing your own biases. Or, they might simply not be ready to change. The key is to offer insight with an open hand rather than forcing it upon them.
When to Let Go
You can’t force self-awareness onto someone. Some people simply won’t see themselves differently, no matter how much evidence or encouragement they receive. If your efforts are met with resistance, deflection, or hostility, it may be time to step back. Letting go doesn’t mean giving up on them—it just means accepting that personal growth has to be self-driven.
Final Thoughts
Helping someone develop self-awareness is delicate work. It requires patience, tact, and a genuine desire to support rather than control. The best way to help is to lead by example, ask thoughtful questions, and provide constructive feedback while leaving room for personal agency. And, crucially, always check your own self-awareness before assuming the problem lies with them.
If you’re serious about self-awareness—yours or someone else’s—consider tools like Openmind, which provide an objective look into both conscious and unconscious biases. Because, in the end, the only way to truly help others grow is to make sure we’re growing, too.